"My Eyes Remain On Jesus"

I had a dear friend call me the other day after reading my blog, with the concern I had about my cancer markers going up.  God always puts people in our paths at the right time when we need them, whether we choose to recognize it is Him or do not even consider where the encouragement comes from.  She reminded me of the story of Peter walking on the water and he was doing fine until he took his eyes off Jesus, then he began to sink.  How many times have I taken my eyes off Jesus and started sinking?  Recently there have been 3 people that I have been praying for that have passed away.  My human side feels some panic and wonder what is God's timing for me?  I want nothing more than to hang on to this life and enjoy more time with family and friends.  I wonder what it would be like to talk to those 3 that recently have gone to Heaven what they would say to me?  This is where my faith and my eyes must remain on Jesus and His perfect plan for me.  I don't want to be a "sinking" Christian, I want to be able to keep my eyes on the One that already knew the number of my days here on this earth before I was ever created.   Psalms 39:4-5 "O Lord, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am!  Behold, you have made my days a few handbreadths, and my lifetime is as nothing before you."   I pray my life here on earth counts for His glory.  Everyday He chooses to bless me with, is one more day than I deserve.  I know without a doubt when my time comes to an end and I'm in Heaven with my Savior, nothing this world has to offer can compare to eternal glory with Him.  Thank you Susan for your words of encouragement and the reminder of where our eyes should always be.   

Since Thursday night, I've had some pain in my lower leg and was concerned it might be a blood clot.  I called Highlands today and I knew they would want me to go in for an ultrasound.  Only a few people knew there was an issue going on.  I had a dear friend text me today to see if she could take me to my appointment.  It ended up being two dear friends, Shonda and Lyn both taking me.  When we arrived at Highlands, while sitting in the car, they prayed over me. 

Shonda, Me & Lyn

I am so thankful to say there were no blood clot found in my leg.  I'm not sure what is causing the pain but I can rest knowing that my eyes will remain on Jesus and He will continue to take care of me.  Thank you Lyn and Shonda for hanging out with me this afternoon and for your prayers and friendship. 

I am not scheduled for chemo this week.  My doctor is trying to keep me on schedule and this is an off week for me.  So thankful to have an appetite and to be feeling good.  I continue to be blessed by so much encouragement and I can say:

"Today is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."

"How To Express Gratitude"

I've tried to think all week of how to express my gratitude to those that took part in my home makeover.  The problem is, I don't know who all to thank and no one seems to know everyone that contributed behind the scenes with the financing.  I could send thank you notes to those I know that took part.  I'm always afraid when you start mentioning names or sending notes, someone will be left out.  I know the ones that helped did not do it for recognition but out of love.  The love was not only their own, but what God allowed them to give to glorify Him.  Thank you sometimes seems like such a small thing to say to those that bless your heart and haven given so much of themselves, whether financially, emotionally, physically or spiritually.

I do know the process started with Maegan Kufahl and from there the ideas of planning began with several ladies.  Sheena Ober and Maegan were the decorators and the two of them together transformed my house into a cozy warm home.  I have no idea how much time they put into the planning but I do know they spent 12 hours last Friday making the transformation into something amazing.  Thank you Maegan and Sheena for giving so much of yourselves when you already had plenty on your plate with your own lives.  Thank you to all those that stopped by to help move furniture.  Thank you to all those that stopped by to see the transformation taking place.  Thank you to all those that gave financially to help with the makeover and for those that have given toward a fund to help with other needs we may have.

I now have a hard time wanting to spend time in the other parts of my home.  I just want to sit in my main living area and stay there all day enjoying the beauty and quietness of God's peace and love.  I know a lot of time and thought when in to the makeover and there is no way that the before and after pictures do the rooms justice.

Psalms 30:11-12 "You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!"  Because of God and my friends, family and others loving, caring and praying over me that has kept me from mourning or being depressed about the storm our family has been going through.  How can I not praise Him with all the goodness He has shown to me through others.  He uses others to bring Him all the glory.  Apart from Him, I could not have the hope and peace in my life.  He continues to renew my faith daily and I will forever give Him thanks!

"Before"

"After"

"Today is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."

"Young Old Friends"

Tonight we were blessed to have some friends that we adore and have known for 18 years come for a visit.  We became friends with Dan and Tara in Texas before they ever had children.  They now have 5 children with baby number 6 due in June.  What a blessing to be able to spend time with them and their family tonight in our home.  They were visiting Branson and decided to drive over to see our family.  For those of us that live in Northwest Arkansas, we know that a trip from Branson is not the easiest drive, especially if you get car sick,are pregnant, or are traveling with small children.  The last time we saw them was when they lived in the Nashville area and had 3 children.  They now live in St. Louis and pastor a church there.  Thank you Dan and Tara for taking the time to drive "over" from Branson and spend the evening with us.  Thank you for praying over us before you left.  We love and appreciate your friendship and are thankful that time or distance hasn't kept our lives apart.  We were blessed!!

Sydney, Josiah, Dan, Tara, Tori and Elijah (Rachelle not with them)

Tony, Me, Tara and Dan

"Today is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."

"He Is My Provision"

I am so thankful to have been feeling so good since Friday through today.  I almost feel like a normal person but not sure if I know what normal really is.  I received a phone call this afternoon from my doctor about my CA 125 (cancer markers).  I was so excited to hear from her because in my heart I really felt like the numbers would have continued to go down since I was feeling so much better.  The news she gave me really took me by surprise and caught me off guard.  My numbers have gone up higher than they have ever been.  I went from 239 to 392.  I tried to pretend like I was okay, but inside my heart melted with disappointment.  The doctor wasn't concerned with the increase.  She was more happy that I look so much better and have been feeling good.  I sent Jenna a text with my numbers and she read that inflammation and infection can have a significant impact on your cancer numbers.  With my recent sickness that put me in the hospital and having to miss a recent chemo treatment could explain why my numbers are up.  Tony and I had said if my numbers continue to go up, we would "jump ship" and head elsewhere (MD Anderson in Houston).  My spirit and heart tells me to stay here and continue to wait upon the Lord.  Tony took off work early to come by my work and check on me.  He took me home for a few minutes so I could regroup then I headed back to work.  On the way back up to the office the song "Lord Our God" came on the radio.  I didn't want to listen to it because I knew I would get emotional again, but I listened anyway.  When I got back to the youth group, the band was practicing for worship and guess what song they were singing?  "Lord Our God".  This song has become my anthem since I went to Passion 2013 in Atlanta in January. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ls4syJMNmWw

He is the Lord my God and He is forever faithful.  I know without a doubt, He will finish what He began and even through the desert, He is my provision.  In the silence and in the waiting, I still know that He is good.  All His plans are for His glory!  I won't move without Him, He is the light of all that I need.  He is the Lord my God!!!


"Today is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."

"God Is Always Faithful"

Today began with several answered prayers awaiting me.  As I was getting ready to go in for chemo today, Tony called to let me know that our insurance company was helping pay for the chemo drug that originally we were told would not be paid for.  God is always faithful!!  I had prayed and asked that I would run into someone that I have specifically been praying for.  Supposedly this person has been having chemo treatments every Tuesday but I have not seen her, so my eyes were on the lookout today.  God allowed our paths to cross and I was able to speak to her and pray over her.  God is always faithful!! I spoke to another lady I have been praying for that is always alone and she was not feeling well today.  God gave me boldness to ask if she knew the Lord as her Savior and she said yes.  God is always faithful!!  At the end of my treatment, we were able to go back to where she was sitting and pray over her.  God is always faithful!!  There was a lady that I recognized but wasn't sure how we knew each other so on my way out, I stopped and talked to her.  She is one of the first ladies I had chemo with but we didn't recognize each other because we both have hair now.  Her name has been one of the ones I pray for daily but had no idea how she's been doing.  She is doing really well and we were so happy to see each other.  She remembered my surgery from last year on April 30th and said my name was on her church's prayer list.  God is always faithful!!

I am so thankful for His faithfulness!!  Theresa and my son-in-law David both went with me today for my chemo treatments.  It was such a blessing having them both there.  I am so thankful and blessed that David wanted to spend time with us.  I'm not sure how many son-in-laws would take the time to hang out with their mother-in-law, but it was a reminder of how blessed I truly am.  David and Theresa were both a part of the prayer time over the two ladies.  A funny fact; we all had on green shirts with grey sweaters/pull overs.  Jordan came up to join us for lunch and she had on a green scarf.  Great minds think alike!

David, Jordan, Me & Theresa-thank you for being great chemo buddies!!

 

Jordan sent me this message today through a text:
 " Another song for you. Claiming victory today!!! Please watch the whole thing before you leave today. The louder the better. This is a victory song in Jesus' name!

I have attached the link below and you will be blessed to listen to it.  Don't turn it off too soon, it sounds like it is going to end when Kari Jobe starts singing "yeah yeah yeah" but keep listening because it has more.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r37Tp11CzMU&feature=youtu.be

"Today is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it."

"Blessings Continue To Pour Out"

I was blessed to spend the weekend in Dallas with a lot of my family.   Bryan & Jenna had planned a trip and had asked us to go with them.   I've had to cancel 2 of my recent trips (Hawaii & Branson) so we weren't sure if I'd be able to go on this trip.  Friday came and I felt good and was excited to get in the car and travel.  The car was packed to the brim.  When you travel with a 2 year old and 8 week old, there are plenty of necessities.  

Saturday we went to the Dallas Aquarium and Zoo.  My nephew Aaron lives in the area and spent the day with us.   Later in the evening the rest of my family that lives in the Dallas Metroplex came to our hotel and spent the evening with us.  When this trip was planned I had no idea that we would be spending time with my niece, nephews and family.  It was such a blessing that they chose to take the time and hang out with us.  We were planning on playing games but spent time visiting instead.  Thank you Aaron, Micah, Amanda, Miranda, Chris and Christopher for sharing the evening with us.  I was truly blessed.

Family at the Dallas Aquarium

Hudson, GPa, Me, Jenna & Bryan (Rhett in stroller in the back ground)

Chris, Christopher,Miranda,Me,Micah, Amanda, Aaron

We headed back home today and stopped at my brother and sister-in-law's house for lunch.  Traci made a great meal and we enjoyed several hours of more family time.  I had no idea that this trip would be spent with so much quality family time.   God has continued to show me great love through my family and this weekend He showed me even more.  I met a lady named Angela at the hotel breakfast this morning that has breast cancer and we shared part of our journey and prayed together.    I am so grateful that not only our children but my entire family and friends have been there for me.  

David (my brother) & Me

Me & Traci (my sister-in-law)

I wrote this blog on the way home in the car and had no idea that more blessings were in store for me when I got home.   Jordan and David had taken care of our dog while we were gone over the weekend and I called her when we were about 30 minutes away and she told me they were at our house letting the dog out again.  I asked her to stay until we got home so we could all see them.  I was the last one that walked through the front door and found the most unbelievable surprise awaiting me.  My living room, dining room and kitchen had been completely transformed into a new home while I was away this weekend.  I am in total shock and words cannot express how happy, excited, overwhelmed, amazed and whatever else comes along with disbelief of what my friends have done for me.  My home is the most beautiful home I have ever seen and I don't want to go to bed tonight.  I want to sit in my new living room and continue to soak in what has been done.   How can words tell those that have done this for me how grateful I am?  I don't understand the love of God and His faithfulness because He continues to pour out blessings upon blessings on me and to Him be the glory, great things He has done!!!!!

My Newly Transformed Home!!

  Psalm 9:1-2 "I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds.  I will be glad and exult in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High."

"Today is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."

"Post Chemo Day"

I've had several people checking in on me today to see how chemo went yesterday and not seeing a blog post were concerned that I was not doing well.  God is always faithful and has seen me through each night and day and continues to show me His mercies every day.

I went in yesterday for chemo.  There was an issue getting blood return from my port but within an hour everything was a go and there were no other complications.  I received one of my chemo drugs and will get both chemo drugs next week.  God is so faithful in everything in our lives.  I was able to work in the afternoon.  Last night I was having issues with nausea and had to take some medication.  I woke up very early this morning with nausea again and had to take more medication and was able to sleep in.  I am thankful to say that I was able to be at work all afternoon and be with the youth tonight for both service times. 

I had a sweet friend I have never met that reads my blog that sent me a book written by John Piper called "Don't Waster Your Cancer".  It is a very quick easy read, the size of a small pamphlet.  It was an encouragement to me to remind me that this journey I'm on is not about me but about bringing glory to God.  Everything that happens in our lives doesn't take Him by surprise but He has a purpose for it all.  We may never fully understand the reasons for why things happen the way they do but if we know and trust in Jesus to be our Savior, we win in the end no matter how things turn out in this life. 

I am grateful for life today and that God gave me grace to live another day on this earth.  I don't know what tomorrow may bring, but I am thankful I don't have to worry, He already has a plan for me. 

"Today is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."

"You Revive Me"

Yesterday was a very special day.  I was able to attend church and what a blessing to be around the body of Christ and be encouraged.  Jordan was able to sing a solo and if I had a soloist voice, the song she sang would have been the one I would have chosen to sing.  I feel so blessed to have a daughter that gives her talent back to the Lord and to be used by Him.  Below is the link to her the song she sang.  It's called "You Revive Me".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HB3jqWn5NT8

Tomorrow I go in for chemo.  My stomach and lower abdomen have some issues with fluid build up so I'm trusting that the chemo will take affect and kill the tumor cells.  Everyday is a new blessing from the Lord so I'm believing God will give me rest tonight and I am thankful for the day He gave me.  I was able to go back to work and catch up on things.  "You revive me Lord and all my deserts are rivers of joy".  I'm alive today because He chose to breath on me. 

"Today is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."

"Praising Him For My Night & Day"

I was able to go to bed last night with no nausea and very minimul fluid on my stomach.  What a praise for all that God continues to do for me.  I woke up several times during the night with a heart of gratitude to be feeling so good.  I had an appointment today to get my 3rd Neutropen shot (to rebuild my white blood cell count) and to have chemo. After the 2nd shot yesterday, my numbers were so high, I didn't need the 3rd shot today.  The doctor said I would have probably been fine with just 1 shot.  She also gave me the option to treat with chemo or wait until next week.  I decided it would be best to give my body a rest after a long week and start back up next Tuesday.  She agreed that was probably the best decision. 

Jordan went with me to the doctor and I decided we both needed a treat, so we went and had pedicures together.  What a wonderful and relaxing day it was and it has been the best I have felt in quiet some time.  I don't want to take how I feel for granted and realize God has done some miraculous things in my body.  I couldn't help but smile in my heart today every time I reflected on everything that happened yesterday.  His steadfast love endures forever!!!

Tonight we were blessed to have Hudson and Rhett spend some time with us.  Jordan also hung out with us while David was away.  Hudson always likes to hang out with GPa so Jordan and I spent time with Rhett.  She and I played Banana-Grams and Hudson checked in on us a few times. 

Thank you Jesus for ALL You continue to do for me.
"Today is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."

"Not To Us, But To Your Name Give Glory"

I don't even know how to begin blogging tonight.  My heart is overwhelmed with emotions.  A group text was sent out last night to our youth group about meeting at our house tonight for prayer.  I am part of that group text so I knew something was up.  I thought what an amazing thing to have our youth come to my house and pray over me.  Jordan took me to Highlands today for a shot and said there were some adults in the church office talking about coming to our house as well.  I soon found out this was more than just our youth group coming and Jordan informed me that there would be a lot of people coming to our home.  Flowers were delivered to me this afternoon and after receiving them, I was sitting on my couch spending time alone with Jesus and was so overwhelmed that people were coming to pray over me.  As I was talking to Jesus, I told Him that I knew if He was physically here walking on the earth, that He would be at my house tonight and would be able to touch me and heal me.  At the very moment I said those words to Him, the front door blew open.  People can say it was a coincidence but I know Jesus physically showed me He was with me and would continue to be with me.  My heart was over joyed as I got up to shut the door and I thanked Him for the physical part of seeing He was with me.  Shortly before 7:00pm cars began parking on our street and the people started circling the house.  Our house backs up to Wal-mart, so people parked in the Walmart parking lot and came through our back gate as well.  Below is a testimony of what God did.  No one came inside our home except for family.  As people were praying outside, I sat in a chair in the middle of our living room and my family circled around me on their knees praying.  The power of the Holy Spirit was so evident all around us.  It is so hard to put into to words the gratitude my heart has at this moment.  This night was not about me, but I believe it was about God's people seeing what only He can do.  Psalm 115:1 "Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness."

This last picture was captured by one of our neighbors.  Thank you Jamie!

Psalm 116:7 "Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8m0LowihOXY

"Today is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."

"The Lord Our God"

His mercies are new every morning, great is His faithfulness.  The doctor came in to my hospital room early this morning and went over my lab work and procedures from yesterday.  My abdominal X-ray showed signs of improvement therefore leaving her to believe I do not have a blockage but my issues have been from inflammation.  They are not sure if it is all related to chemo or to a virus and chemo combination.   We waited until after lunch to see how I was feeling before making a decision about being discharged.  The medication I am receiving at the hospital can also be taken at home.  When I weighed out the pros and cons, my bed @ home won hands down with uninterrupted sleep opposed to blood work and vital signs being checked every few hours during the night time hours.  I will see my doctor Friday to see if I will be having chemo before the weekend or postpone until next week.

There is no place like home for healing.  Today was a cold rainy day and Tony brought me home and built a fire in our fireplace.  We had our dear friend Beth bring us homemade chicken noodle soup, cornbread muffins and apple crisp/ice cream for dessert.

I don't know how much longer this journey will carry on but I do know I serve a Savior that isn't finished with me yet.  Below is a song that Jordan tagged me on Facebook today.  We heard it back in January when we went to Passion in Atlanta and she told me then, this was a song written for me.  Here are a few lyrics: Promise Maker, Promise Keeper, You  finish what You begin, our Provision through the desert, You see it through to the end. The Lord our God is ever faithful never changing through the ages, from this darkness You will lead us and forever we will say you're the Lord our God. In the silence and the waiting, still we can know you are good. All your plans are for your glory. Forever we will say you're the Lord our God!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVgpiyvOqRU

"Today is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."

"Hands Are Being Held Up"

What started as a quick trip to the ER has turned in to a 3 day stay at the Hospital, so far. I arrived on Sunday with severe dehydration from 10 days of on and off vomiting and diarrhea.  I was immediately put on sodium chloride IV drip and after lab results I was told my potassium and magnesium were low.  Yesterday, was a very difficult day.  I suffered from nausea,diarrhea, a bloating stomach all day and ended the day throwing up.  Several tests revealed concerns for bowel obstruction or imflamed bowels.   I'm not sure what news we were expecting, but I wouldnt have guessed that diagnosis.  The doctor said Ovarian Cancer can cause these issues.  

My children put out a plea for friends, family and others following our journey to help stand in the gap with us by praying, fasting and believing in healing over my body.  This is one of Jordan's posts;
"Whenever Moses held up his hand, Israel prevailed, and whenever he lowered his hand, Amalek prevailed.  But Moses' hands grew weary, so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it, while Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side.  So his hands were steady until the going down of the sun."  Exodus 17:11-12 

There are days when Satan wants you to feel all alone and that the journey you're on is never going to end.  The great thing is, I already know how my journey ends and there is nothing that can seperate me from His steadfast love.  Jesus already won the victory for me.  What a blessing to know that the days I'm weary and worn out, there are many holding up mine and my family's hands and interceding on our behalf to the Father.   We are so grateful for so much love and support.

Today has been a much better day already.  I almost feel "normal"  again.  The doctor thought my stomach should be drained of fluids again, but when I went for the procedure, the radiologist felt there was no need. I've had very little nausea and a small amount of diarrhea today. This is a huge difference from the past 10 days.  Some could say it's  a coincidence and timing of getting better, I choose to say my God is listening, hearing and answering prayers for me and my family.  His mercies are new every morning, great is His faithfulness!!!!

"Today is the day the Lord has made let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Virus vs Chemo

I have been struggling for over a week with nausea, vomiting and diarrhea.  In my mind I was assuming it was all related to chemo.  I went to Highlands yesterday for IV fluids.  Today I'm in the ER waiting to be seen.  The ER waiting room was full and when I told the receptionist I was on chemo, she gave me my own private waiting room.  That proves there are advantages of having chemo.  Tony and I were grateful not to be among all the flu and other illnesses going on in the main waiting area.  We were put into a regular ER room within a very short amount of time.  Now the waiting begins to see how long and what they find out.

Within 1 hour of walking into the ER I was hooked up to IV fluids.  I am being admitted into the hospital and will probably go home tomorrow.  I was told my Magnesium was low and that I needed fluids to rehydrate.  I am thankful to have a husband watching over me and made me get some medical attention.  I was willing to wait it out another day, but he knew better.  I am blessed!

"Today is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."

"A Good Day For Chemo"

His mercies are new every morning, great is His faithfulness!!!  For some reason God keeps reminding me of this constantly.  I am thankful I don't have to worry about tomorrow or my yesterday, I have today and He gives me grace for whatever comes my way.  I may not see the grace at the moment, but I trust that it is there and I'm not walking alone at any moment, He's always with me.

I woke up very nauseated and had some stomach issues so I wasn't sure if chemo would take place today or not.  I knew my blood work would let me know if treatment should happen.  Praise the Lord every one of my blood levels were exactly where they needed to be.  I had no Hi's or Low's on any of my levels that they are usually concerned about.  They give pre-meds before my chemo treatment, and there was nausea medication that helped settle down my stomach.  I was able to get both chemo's today.  My friend Theresa took me to Highlands and stayed with me.  She prayed over my chemo as it started and there were no complications or side effects. How great is our God!

Here's something I read in one of my daily devotional books this morning:

Hope and courage go hand in hand. When you are waiting, waiting, waiting for longed-for answers to prayer, it takes courage to continue hoping in Me.  The world, the flesh, and the devil all tell you it's easier to just give up and give in to dull disappointment.  In a sense, this is true.  To keep praying with positive expectation requires a lot of effort and perseverance; giving up is momentarily easier.  However, a resigned, I give-up attitude is always hurtful in the long run.  Often, this leads to cynicism-and eventually despair.  So it's well worth the effort to keep your hopefulness alive.  Courage comes from the French word for "heart."  Since I live in your heart, you can call upon Me to help you live courageously-facing adversity or danger with confidence and determination.  I am well aware of your circumstances, and I take pleasure in helping you cope with them.  So stand firm in my strength, beloved, refusing to give in or give up.  I take pleasure in you always, but especially when you are bravely hoping in My steadfast Love.  
Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid, for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you.  He will not leave you nor forsake you."

"Today is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."